Avast, yee corporate media pirates, and gather ’round, yar sirfurs, but stuff yar wee ones ears, for there be words here, not fit fare tham to har, that would shiver thar timbers, down to the wee little boots upon thier feet!
By the six toed boots of the inbred dead mens electrified, wur it sworn that this har tale be truest as the gleam in the eye of a pirate while grasping a easy swaggered penny from a newborns piggy bank. Arrrr! thust them sword weildin’ grog carrying babysitters, righty out the window, and trust them not, or your piggy banks will be emptyied and gone! Gone just like the parrots, when the crackers come out!
Now it be rumored that the Krakens grancestor had once hauled silk from Asia threw a hole in the ground deep enough to reach to Asia, but those just be rumors of the Krakens roars.
It also be rumored by the three eyed parrots rumormongering mill that the Kraken is a land creature! and those rumors be double true. Tripley true is the Victory of the Kraken over the Captin of the pirate ship that cursed the citizens everywhere with the burden of monies pillages for ill gotten grog spilt, in a 3 rounds no holds barred contest of who, who could talk the truest. The Kraken won, no contest what so ever.
That ill gotten grog spilt: Was spilt down the never ending greedy gullet of the guilty as a slumlord pirate captin, whose only quest it seams was to fleece the overtaxed voters pockets for as much ill gotten gain as possible. Year after year the pirate captin grabbed more ill gotten gain. The ill gotten gain gained, grew by great greedy percentages every year. ten poorcent one year, 13 poorcent the next year, and on and on it went.
For with a wonderous big and tasty sea carrot and a prickley and very knobby shallow ocean tree branch, the pirate captin arrrred and ARRRed the first and second swabs into doing what the pirate captin told them to do. Polish the Pirate Captins Urinals, swab the pirate captins art collection, and with thier own toothbrushes, polish to a gleaming almost golden hue, the pirate captins most expensive beyond belief, southern cloverleaf, made from the liquified bones of white elephants imported from lala land. And swab the first and second mates did, for they liked tales of feastin’ upon big and tasty sea carrots, and did not like rumormongerings of prickley and very knobby shallow ocean tree branches beating them up forevermore until they faded into obscurity.
For with a swabbed to the hilt pirate ship, the pirate captin was able to pillage more and more from the overtaxed voters pockets year after year. so swab the first and second swabs did and do, like pros teachin’ fourth mates how to steal from the kiddies piggy banks while pretending to be the babysitter!.
Far easier to stoop over and swab and pillage as ordered than to stand up and turn a pirate ship into a cargo carrier or a cruise liner, for that would be real work, and pillagin and swabbin’ is far easier. If in doubt, just ask winkey the 3 eyed parrot, wonder of the pirate realm everywhere!
And then the Kraken ROARS, a loud ROAR, so loud, it was heard from shore to shore to shore! Upon all three of the overtaxed oceans, and all 8 of the pirate polluted seas, was the Krakens roars, herd, so loud it was. And long was the Roar of the Kraken, so long was the Krakens roar, that the Roar of the kraken bellowed out for month upon month long. Some sayth the roar was heard for years, other say the roar was so loud it chased winter away from some areas. Others sathy it was so long and so loud it must be God farting upon the great toliet in the sky! And some say the roar was so loud and long that it sent shivers threw the stars in the night skies, by which most knowledgeable pirates steer by.
Indeed, the Kraken roars sent shivers up many a swaggering swilling pirates yellow bellied spine.
It was way back . . . way back when in the decade of the noughties, and naughty they had been indeed. With 1/2 million dollar campaign budgets, 13% wage increases, increases in office budgets, increases in property taxes, and increases in the amount of time ice covered the streets, and increaces in the amount of Scamdels that happened, like 13 million spent on a park of concrete! Yes it way back then in history, that the pirate Captin was a groging down at a certain ovetime establishment of grog serving that the pirate captin first heard of the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP the most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas. The pirate captin then was just a second deck swab, underworked and overpaid as most pirates are, when he heard from the person codenamed deepthoughts about the the most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas, the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP!
In half whispers, in a darkened corner over a table covered in grog stains, the futire pirate captin heard how the most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas, the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP was a land critter! A land critter that walked on two legs! Rumor mongering had it that the the most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas, the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP
was fourty feet tall! The rumor mongering mill also had it that the most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas, the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP had two arms! Two arms the size of mountain ranges through which freight trains run! and with just its bellow, the most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas, the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP was rumored to cause ships to sink, mountains to quake and pirates to fall down and loose thier sea legs( the ability to walk on a ship pitching to and fro in a storm churned sea.)
The most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas, the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP, according to the established pirate rumor mongering mill, could walk on water! Eat hot coals for breakfast, comsume lava for lunch! Breath smoke that burned! and shoot flaming balls of fire from its arse hole that burned entire forests and towns down to ashes that drifted away on the winds!
The most dreaded meteorlogical phenomina of the eight seas, the KRAKEN OF THE DEEP acording to the rumormongering mill could eat seventy seven pirates at one meal! And it was rumor mongered to be able to pull miracles from its two nostrils, like a sick pirate blowing snot from his beak.
But The Pirate Captin in his ship of pillagin’ did more than shiver, that pirate captin, as he shivered, shook and cringed in defeat, knew the doom was comin’ once again. For the Pirate captin had been there before. Had heard the roar. . before. And had felt the full effect of such a Kraken roar. for the Pirate captin, have suffered ignoble defeat before, by the bellows of the Krakens Roar.
“3 rounds in the ring
No holds barred
Looser wears a clown suit.”